Minimalising My Madness 😜

“have i gone mad?
im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I know im slightly psychotic but strangely enough, I have found more comfort in accepting it than I have in all my years of fighting it. image
You see, because I’m crazy, I can get away with doing the craziest things and everyone around me says, “That’s just Xyvah, you know she’s crazy!”
So I woke up one morning feeling rather depressed, having slept off on the sofa, I strolled into my bedroom to confront the utter chaos which reflected my state of mind.
My room looked like a hurricane had hit it the night before. Not surprisingly, i found comfort in knowing that I had a rough idea of what my heart and mind looked like on the inside.
I was hurting, had been for years. So many things had happened in the past that I had held on to, memories I had collected, experiences I wouldn’t… no, couldn’t… let go of. And it was eating me up inside.
I had been through so much, I couldn’t begin to process it all. My heart and mind had no room to House all these experiences and yet, I kept accumulating more and more.
I was done!
“It all ends today!” I told myself…
And subsequently went on to post it as my status (Which made a lot of people think I was about to commit suicide which, to be fair, wasn’t too far from the truth).
So I grit my teeth, girded my loins…
lol basically, I pulled out two big bin bags and literally just started chucking stuff in them. One bag was for rubbish; broken stuff, old papers I had jotted on, pens that didn’t work, and all the other crappy things I kept under the guise of them holding sentimental value.
The other bag was for the things I decided I wanted to give away to charity. I put in shoes and clothes I hadn’t worn in a year. And then when I was done with that, things I hadn’t worn in the last 6 months, three months, then one month, then finally things I had worn and kept but knew I would never wear again. In the end, I put away 4 bin bags of clothes and two bin bags of junk (imagine all the stuff I had crammed up in my head).  image
I chucked all my stuff till i was down to the barest minimum i needed to survive on a daily basis.
And then i realised… I’m becoming a minimalist.
I felt liberated!
But the feeling didn’t last. I remembered the massive cartons full of stuff i kept under my mothers dining table, the cartons of books and the suitcases of stuff i kept in the store.
My heart sunk. I thought, “why don’t i just leave them there? After all, they’re out of the way and no one can see them. Plus i might need them later.”
I thought about all the books i had kept from college, 7 years ago, which i never read but constantly kept reopening and repacking. The suitcases full of clothes i never wore and things i never used because I had them before I moved countries. Stuff i had brought back with me from my apartment when i moved back in with my mum… All these things lay buried, tucked away in the store, and the thought of unearthing them filled me with an inexplicable sense of fear and dread.
But I was determined now! I was on the road to being a true minimalist, living life with what i needed, freeing up space in my life, heart and mind, and only keeping what i saw as necessary to/for my existence on earth.
I was going to do this!
So once again, i rolled up my sleeves, girded my loins, and dived under the dining table first… I emptied two bin bags of things, scraps and stuff i thought i needed to make stuff. Eventually, I reduced everything to 4 small (and i mean minute) storage boxes: one with my paints and brushes, one with my beads and craft, one with my sewing materials and the last with my wool-work.
Then the strangest thing happened… I felt like something in my mind had shifted, like I had just dislodged something buried way down in my thoughts.
I felt tired… Exhausted… I had lost the desire to carry on.
I felt miserable, like there was some hurt and brokenness, some disappointment from unfulfilled dreams that was welling up from inside me. And I began to cry.
I cried for quite a while, and when i was done, i wiped my tears and dragged my tired self into the store where i pulled out 9 cartons full of books and 3 suitcases of things. image
I started the long, laborious process of sorting through them all and with every box or carton i sorted, i felt like a layer of me was being stripped off, like i was unveiling secrets i would rather have left buried… By the end of it all, i had emptied the boxes and cartons down to 1 medium sized carton of books and a small suitcase of my “see-you-later” stuff… And now, I was depressed.
Severe major depression is something I’ve suffered from for years. I’ve tried everything in the book… Everything except counselling, and thats because there are some things in my life that I’ve always wanted to keep buried. Some traumatic events that I’ve decided I’d rather not deal with. Some issues, i decided i would never face. So i built walls. Walls of rubber, of cotton, of paper, of wood, of steel, of titanium. Walls to protect me from myself.
And with the stripping down of all my things, i felt the walls crumbling all around me… And in that instant, i was a 5yr old girl again, scared, hurting, defenceless, suffering in silence.
Everything felt like a giant around me. The smallest of problems felt like a mountain towering above me. I felt trapped, with no hope of an escape.
The worst thing was, while i felt this way, i knew in my head that i was in my 20’s and much stronger than i felt, but i couldn’t seem to overcome this.
Although i was in my 25yr old body, i was stuck in my 5yr old mind. And there was nothing my 25yr old self could do to save me. And i was watching myself suffer over, and over, and over again.
… image
Long story short, i tried (quite unsuccessfully I might add) to escape by ending my life. You know how in the video games, if you die, you get to start again from the beginning of that level? Yeah, that doesn’t work in real life. If you die, you’re dead. And if you try to die and fail… Well, if you’re lucky enough to be like me, you end up blogging about it.
The point of this blog was not to prove that I’m crazy, it was to prove that minimalism has helped me on my journey to sanity by helping me let go of the thoughts clogging my mind and pointing me to the things Ive kept bottled up which i need to deal with and release.

“But godliness with contentment is great gain.”
‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭6:6‬ ‭KJV‬‬

When you keep hiding parts of you from yourself, nothing you ever have will be enough to cover you. Yes, you may be scared, bruised and broken, but you need to accept yourself just the way you are.
Learning to appreciate the few things i had and learning to hold on to nothing but to keep only the things necessary for my daily living, i learnt to appreciate myself, the good and the bad, and to let go of anything I had held on to from my past, my experiences, my ideas of who i am and who i should be…

I’d like to say i feel a thousand times better but the truth is, I only got out of hospital yesterday and I’ve got tons of work go catch up on and honestly, i feel rather tired and exhausted. But at the end of it all, my mind and heart feel freer and, for once in so many years, I have hope that my future could be brighter than the darkness of my past.

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You Will Get There

Dear me,
People are allowed to make mistakes, and that includes you. You’re not perfect, don’t be so hard on yourself.
Because you trip up and stumble doesn’t make you bad, it makes you human.
It teaches you humility, not to think of yourself as higher or better than others because you’re just the same as them.
Humans are fallible, and unfortunately, you’re a human and not an angel so you fall under that category. You’re fallible. You’re human, and that’s what makes you special; the ability to stumble and fall but then pick yourself up again and keep pressing on, overcoming obstacles in your path and not deterring from your goal. It’s called steadfastness, it’s a rare quality, but I know it can be found in you.
So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep pressing on. The journey isn’t over until you reach your destination, no matter how long it takes you to get there… and Trust me, you WILL get there.
Many blessings,
You.

You Couldn’t See That.

The message that midnight was clear:

You were my only choice – and I was just an option.

But that didn’t stop me from loving you.

It didn’t stop the butterflies in my belly every time I see your face

Or the goosebumps on my skin whenever I hear your voice

The shivers I get at the thought of you touching me

It spreads over my skin,

My soft skin

As I feel your hands slide over it,

You kiss my neck and rest your cheek against mine

And I can’t help but wonder,

Can you see me?

Can you really see me?

I wanted you to see me beyond the mask

So I wiped off the makeup,

Beyond the clothes I let you take off

Beyond the skin I let you caress

Adrenalin swimming underneath it, to the tips of my fingers and toes curled up in tight fists gripping your shoulders as my thighs caress yours, all the way to the landing pads you chose to crash into as you pulled out your parachute, evasive manoeuvres having me screaming your name like …

And yet I still couldn’t help but wonder… Can you see me?

Can you really see me?

Beyond the skin I let you so easily invade

Giving you the privilege to be and do what others only dreamed of

Hoping that something within may open your eyes to see beyond my double D cups and rounded soft butt,

beyond the smile that I wear on the lips I needed so badly for you to kiss

Beyond the hair that you pulled on which would not come off,

And the eyes that couldn’t stop staring at you who saw right through me.

All the way to the parts I was scared anyone would see.

You saw the thoughts in my head play like movies when the words I said were muted by the fear of the truth….

Or the fear of the lie…

Or the fear of the fact that,

Although to you I was amazing in many ways,

I was still just an option – and you were still my only choice.

And although you could see me clearly,

You couldn’t see that.

Always Forever

When love is lost and hope ends 


And the tragedy sends volts of pain from your heart to your brain, incapacitating you
That’s when you know your heart is broken. 

When the million words can’t bind the million pieces you can’t seem to find as your cardia erupted, volcanic regret like lava leaking down your soul till time leaves only ashes cocooned by loss

So the sun smites you not by day nor the moon by night because you retreat to inhabit a steel house made of four plane walls that will not be blown down by empty promises and false declarations of “Forever Love”
Too scared to let in the light that once led you to the lover who tore your world apart when you still believed in having a heart, In love, In hope… 

Trying to cope, hoping against all odds you’ll defeat the enemy battling for your soul, all the while wondering what profit it would be to give it all up and gain the world

After all, all that’s left is ashes

But from ashes to ashes, from dust to flames, like a Phoenix you rise again to laugh, to love, to cry,

And though you feel the ache inside, you hide the pain behind vodka and sex games, too ashamed you admit to yourself that you got played, so you master the game, enslaving yourself as the world becomes your playing ground and power becomes the aim 

you became a slave to your senses

All in a bid to avoid the pain of a broken heart. 

But back to the start 
To the one with the broken heart and the burnt out soul. 

To the one who almost lost their mind when the enemy stole the little hope in the heart that lit up the part of life that ever meant anything  

To the one step forward, three steps back 

Stepping on glass like stepping stones, wanting to feel pain

No! To feel!

Wanting to feel

alone knowing all along that it isn’t the “Forever Love” lost forever that causes the worst pain 

It’s the now in the “always forever” that never came.  

Forget me not

Time changes, things change, people change

As we all head off in our different directions,

I lay at your feet

My one, final, and only request…

Forget me not. 
Forget me not as you go along your way

As the places change and the strange faces become familiar. 

As the things we once did become history

And the life we once lived become a memory. 

Please forget me not. 
Forget me not as you go along your way

As the pressures of life begin to weigh heavy on your shoulders

And the things that brought you joy are far

And the time you have is well spent on surviving 

Please forget me not
Forget me not as you go along your way

And the distance shreds my heart, tearing us apart. 

Your face remains etched in my brain

As though the first thing I saw this morning

Please forget me not 
Forget me not as you go along your way 

And the healer called time cannot seem to mend my broken heart 

As you hold me in your arms all night 

Waking up to the bitter reality of your absence 

Please forget me not. 
Don’t forget the time we spent

The laughs we had

The love we shared. 

I know I can’t compare 

To what she is to you

But if what we had was ever true

Please forget me not… I beg of you. 

His Luxury Coupé


Drunk on my sorrow, High on my pain 

With So much to lose and Still nothing to gain

Yet I drown In the chaos I call my life 

Still believing the man Who practically destroyed my life
Who took a knife to my heart, daggered me with words

With songs of love, of the birds and the bees

I didn’t see beyond the signs, didn’t read between the lines

The truth written in plain ink, though he refused to sign
I made it my mission, made him my world

Between walks in the park and kisses in the dark

From gazing at the stars so late into the night 

He built castles in my head and a moat around my heart 

He locked me in a tower and promised I was his 

His good girl, he said, his special little girl

A friend he would never want to lose, he said

The one he wanted to be with, he said 

The one who made him happy, he said 

Yes, he said, no, he said, please, he said, I’m not letting you go, he said 
No, he said, yes, she said, why, he said, no, she said, yes, he said

Roles reversed, down in the sheets, the bed soaked wet, 

I bet you didn’t expect that, he said

No, she chuckled.

Did you like that? He said, yes, she said

But it hurt, she said… But she didn’t say, it hurt
It hurt like daggers pierced through her heart, 

Like acid poured on her soul

To know she had been used, and abused by the love of her life

To know she would never again feel complete

Never again feel whole

For she had given herself away

So someone who would never treasure here

Someone who would never love her
Someone whose heart was made of ice

Whose soul was carved from wood

Whose will was forged in steel

Who had used her to satisfy his raging desires

And held nothing but contempt for her now he was through. 
His luxury coupe, he called her

Now, the other girl, was her name

The face he once loved to hold, to kiss, to stroke,

He now looked at with hate and disdain

And then she asked herself, why go on?

Why go on living? She gave him her love, gave him her all

And now she’s nothing but an empty shell,
So she drinks up her sorrows, and rolls up her pain

She lights it with her future and watches it all burn

As she drowns herself in a pool of blood

Bleeding from her broken heart. 

CRIMSON TEARS


Image retrieved from
As beads of blood bleeding red run down my arm, 

The arm of flesh has failed me once again

And once again I am left alone 

Alone with my thoughts, contemplating the complexities of a simple word… No. 

Knowing that the truth was all a lie, I lie here listening to the sound of my own hearts irrythemical beating as the blood it pumps pours out through emotional gashes across my left breast.

Gashes that only I can see and feel, invisible enough to conceal with a smile 

So I smile. Even when it hurts, see, I smile

Even when I can’t breathe, I smile

Even when my world is falling apart, I smile 

Even as the life drains from my body, I smile 

Because a simple smile conceals a large myriad of emotions which flood me, 

like the calm sea with its deadly undercurrents I am currently drowning in my own pain with no lifeline or rescue boat so I smile. 

Knowing that the only escape to my predicament is a permanent solution and though some may think it’s a temporary problem…

“… The sea is calm today…”

The sea is never calm

She just looks calm sometimes 

Her raging currents can wreck ships and drown men 

But she knows that as terrifying as she may be

People are always attracted to a smile. 

And so she smiles

Beckoning both the simpleton and the adventurer to come unto her

Welcoming them with open arms

Leading them to believe that the turmoil they once saw was a temporary problem…

But be not deceived 

Like the raging sea, I smile

And as I lie here staring at the beads of Blood like Crimson tears running down my arm

I realise that it would have been okay to cry sometimes