Did you ever?

Dear Dotty,

It’s been quite an eventful week for my heart. I guess my body may not have done much but I swear my heart made it to the North Pole and back. 

I’ve been running it about in my head, trying to understand why people would purposely break someone else’s heart for no good reason. I mean, even if there’s a reason, no reason is good enough to crush another persons dreams. 

After spending the week gathering up the million and one pieces my heart was shattered into, I finally figured that the best way to deal with all of it was to just chuck it. After all, a broken heart’s no good anyway. And it’s not like he did it on purpose, I guess my heart was just the unfortunate emotional casualty in his personal war on life. I guess he didn’t really realise how much he meant to me and didn’t expect that I’d get hurt. 

People tell me I come across as very hard and somewhat uncaring and that’s why they don’t realise that a lot of things go deeper than they realise. They believe I have a tough outer skin and can handle almost anything but hardly ever do they see when I get home, peel off the smile and fall apart in bed. They never know the nights when I cry myself to sleep because of things they’ve said or done. I guess he never realised I actually did love him. I guess I didn’t show him how much I really cared, or how much I was willing to give up to spend the rest of my life with him. I guess it’s a good thing he’ll never know. I guess he didn’t deserve me anyway. I know I’ll get over him… Eventually… But the truth is, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let my heart love again. 

I know you may not even know me but somehow, somewhere deep inside me, I know you understand how I feel. I often found myself wondering whether you felt the same way too. You know, when you left Grandfather and my mum. Did it break your heart too? Did you feel like you’d never love again, like your world was falling apart and you’d never be able to survive the chaos of it all? I know you were able to move on, get married and have more kids, mummy says you did. But in your moving on, did you ever get over it? Did you ever truly love again?

I know these are really personal questions but I feel like knowing the answers would help me understand how I feel and, I guess, help me move on, even if it doesn’t help me get over him. 

Lots of love, 

Your granddaughter. 

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