CRIMSON TEARS


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As beads of blood bleeding red run down my arm, 

The arm of flesh has failed me once again

And once again I am left alone 

Alone with my thoughts, contemplating the complexities of a simple word… No. 

Knowing that the truth was all a lie, I lie here listening to the sound of my own hearts irrythemical beating as the blood it pumps pours out through emotional gashes across my left breast.

Gashes that only I can see and feel, invisible enough to conceal with a smile 

So I smile. Even when it hurts, see, I smile

Even when I can’t breathe, I smile

Even when my world is falling apart, I smile 

Even as the life drains from my body, I smile 

Because a simple smile conceals a large myriad of emotions which flood me, 

like the calm sea with its deadly undercurrents I am currently drowning in my own pain with no lifeline or rescue boat so I smile. 

Knowing that the only escape to my predicament is a permanent solution and though some may think it’s a temporary problem…

“… The sea is calm today…”

The sea is never calm

She just looks calm sometimes 

Her raging currents can wreck ships and drown men 

But she knows that as terrifying as she may be

People are always attracted to a smile. 

And so she smiles

Beckoning both the simpleton and the adventurer to come unto her

Welcoming them with open arms

Leading them to believe that the turmoil they once saw was a temporary problem…

But be not deceived 

Like the raging sea, I smile

And as I lie here staring at the beads of Blood like Crimson tears running down my arm

I realise that it would have been okay to cry sometimes 

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Seeking The Person Of Christ

“Now set your heart and your soul to seek the Lord your God; arise therefore, and build ye the sanctuary of the Lord God, to bring the ark of the covenant of the Lord, and the holy vessels of God, into the house that is to be built to the name of the Lord.”– 1 Chronicles 22:19 (KJV)
We must esteem the person of Christ, but that doesn’t bring His presence. We need to go a step further to actually seek Him.

To seek means;

1. To attempt or desire to obtain or achieve something

2. To ask for something from someone

3. To search for and find something or someone

4. To go to a place
To seek the person of the Lord Jesus Christ, we need to love Him enough and value him enough and our desire for Him should drive us to obtain Him. We should want him badly enough to ask for His presence. We should want Him badly enough to go out searching for Him and desire Him so much that if we can’t get His presence with us, that we go to where His presence is.
We need to set our hearts and also our souls to seek the Lord. We need to do it, nobody is going to do this for us and it’s not something that just happens.

The little but highly significant sacrifices are what built the relationship we want to have. Because we value Him enough to want Him in our lives, we set our hearts to be with Him and we begin, bit by bit, to carve a way for Him into our lives. It’s not always anything major that brings us close, we don’t have to jump in front of a bus for Him and its the little things we do… Spending time talking, getting to know each other, thinking about each other, praying, spending time with each other. These are the things that show how important the other person is to you… What you were willing to give up for these seemingly insignificant things.

The verse above urges us to seek the Lord with our heart AND soul but it doesn’t stop there. We are told afterwards to get up and go to where he is, get involved in what he’s doing. If you want to spend time with someone and that person is always busy, the easiest way to be with the person is to help them do what they are doing.

When my mum is doing laundry or cooking and i want to spend time with her, I go and help her and in the process of working together, we can talk and get things done. It would be foolishness for me to say, “mummy stop what you’re doing and come and spend time with me.”

If you value the presence of the Lord and really want to be with him, you will seek him with your heart and soul by;

1. Asking for his presence

2. Responding to his voice

3. Spending more time with him

4. Getting involved in what he’s doing

5. Making the little sacrifices to be with him.
Read Psalm 105

Esteeming The Presence Of ChristΒ 

“And he said unto him, If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence.”Exodus 33:15 (KJV)
Gods presence is the most important thing for our lives. We need to understand how important the presence of God is for us. When we do so, we will be able to give up anything for His presence. What we are willing to give up for something shows how important that thing is to us. 

When the person of Christ becomes the most important person in our lives then nothing will be too great a cost for us, His opinion would become all that matters to us, and nothing else would be able to phase us. 

Why is the presence of God that important to some people and it isn’t to others? It’s because of the relationship the person has with Christ. 

David was willing to give up the kingdom just to save his relationship with God but Saul was willing to give up his relationship with God to keep what he had. This is an easy mistake to make when you forget that all you have actually comes from the person you are giving up. 

1. Learn to value people more than things. 

2. Make Jesus the most important person in your life and not just one of the important people. 

Jesus is a person and how much we value Him will be tested and it will be seen in what we are willing to give up for Him and what we are willing to place before Him. 

Read 1 Samuel 15 

Decisions! Decisions!!

Dear Dotty, 

Happy new year!!! πŸ’žπŸ’ž

I know it’s kind of late but I still wanted you to know I wish you all the best in this new year. 

I can’t believe 2016 is already over! I almost thought it’d never end, with all the heart ache rolercosters and broken dream caracels, it was like an amusement park of pain. 

Honestly, I’d rather not dwell on the past because I know 2017 has greater things in store for me. I hope you’re as excited about it as I am because I can’t get over that fact that it’s going to be such a great year. This year I plan to publish another book, start up my own business and settle down in life. 

I know you might say I’m too young, that’s what my mama says, but I don’t think there’s ever a time too young to be great. 

I can’t help but indeed, when you were my age, what’s was life like for you? I mean, with big decisions like where to live, what to do, who to give your heart to? How did you make such decisions when you were my age?

I know you moved away from your original country of dwelling, you left the job you’d done for years, and you divorced the man you gave your heart to all in one day, how on earth were you able to make such a decision when I’m struggling to even decide on what colour my hair should be this year?! 

 Im liking the blonde though still. 

But yeah, it’s only been like 5 days and I find I’m being faces with major life changing decisions and isn’t help but wonder whether I’m making the right choices for my life. I get scared that I might make the wrong ones and although your story gives me hope that even if I end up where I don’t want to be, I can always turn around, I fear I’m not as strong as you are, I fear I may not be able to make the decisions you’ve made.

I pray about it all the time because the one thing that scares the gajeebers out of me is ending up regretting my decisions, and that’s one thing I don’t want to ever have to do in the year 2017. 

Lots of love,

Your granddaughter. 

The Presence

“Say unto them, Whosoever he be of all your seed among your generations, that goeth unto the holy things, which the children of Israel hallow unto the Lord, having his uncleanness upon him, that soul shall be cut off from my presence: I am the Lord.” 

– Leviticus 22:3

Your value for something is shown by how much you are willing to pay for it. 

If you say you want the presence of God and you can’t give up something you hold dear to get it, then you don’t want Him badly enough. 

When you begin to desire Him above all else, it will become easy to let go of everything just to be with Him. Nothing will be too big a price. 

If you’re struggling to let go of anything for God, pray for a desire, a drawing, a longing for God and the more you desire Him, the less significant everything else will become to you in relation to his presence. 

BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

Image by WiciaQ
Trapped between two worlds…

I cannot go forward

But I cannot go back to who I’ve been
The path ahead is broad and inviting

I need only take one step

And I’m carried all the way

The path behind, the straight and narrow

Holds trails of my blood dripping

As I have walked it all this time.
The path set before me, the one I need take,

Is the path I am supposed to have left behind

The path left behind me, the one I must take

Is the path I am supposed to leave behind
“Never look back!” “Never go back!”

I learnt on the path I now leave behind

So how then, am I to go back?

To look back at what was?

To follow again the straight and narrow

When it’s the path I leave behind?
I’m still pressing on the upward way

And my way has led me here

Do I walk on forward to the broad way future

Or do I turn back? Retreat? Surrender?

Retrace my blood trailed steps

To live out my future in the past?
I am Trapped between two worlds…

I cannot go forward

But I cannot go back to who I’ve been

SCARS (Contd)

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… Then I began to realise,”nobody knows who I really am…”

“Nobody can recognise me…”

“Nobody knows my name.”

 

But somebody did…

And He picked me up…

And He cleaned me up…

And He called me by name…

Not liar, or misfit… He knew my name.

And His voice was sweet as the nectar and smooth as honey…

And His hands were warm and gentle as he washed me clean with the water of His Word…

And his touch was so tender,

I didn’t even feel the needle stitching me back together again…

And in His eyes was the beauty of sunrise and sunset,

Setting my fractures and mending my wounds

And by the time He was through, they were nothing but scars…

Those scars…

And I said, “Jesus, if you would heal me, β€œWhy leave the scars? They only remind me of the hurt…”

I didn’t understand then, you see…

Those scars…

The ones He left behind were not only to remind me of the hurt…

They were to remind me of the pain

And the times I hurt so bad

And the loneliness

And the anger

And the loss

And the rejection

And the times I was misunderstood…

And the people I trusted to be for me

Went before me to hail me as the queen of the sinners and the condemned…

And I still hear their taunts…

And the names…

And I remember the feel of the earth as I lay dying,

With smoke in my eyes,

And the smell of the dust filling my lungs and the taste of my own blood in my mouth…

And you may wonder why I wear them so proudly…

And you remember me by the scars you gave me,

By the names you called me…

Like liar and loser, and weak and dysfunctional, disobedient, a prostitute, disloyal, fake, unreliable, emotional…

And you look at them and see only flaws

That do not meet your standard of perfection…

Because they symbolise the hardships…

And failures and all the imperfections I embody.

 

These scars…

And as my shutting eyes fall upon these scars…

I feel it all again… And then I remember…

These scars are the trophies I carry from my battles.

They are the proof that I am more than a conqueror.

And you too will one day recognise me by the scars you have me,

Because they remind me not only of what I’ve been through…

They remind me that I survived.

Excerpt From: Okoye, Xyvah. β€œZayin.” iBooks.